EATING OUT, CUNNILINGUS, giving head, clit-licking—whatever you call oral sex, it just might be THE perfect path to your partner’s pleasure. And that’s not hyperbole!
Research literally proves that oral sex is the most reliable way to help a woman orgasm. Because here’s the thing: Less than one-fifth (18 percent) of people with vulvas can orgasm from penetration alone, according to a study in Sex and Marital Therapy. In fact, the vast majority (72 percent) require clitoral stimulation to climax, and no type of sex puts the clitoris front and center quite like cunnilingus.
Performing oral sex can also be plenty pleasurable “because it combines physical stimulation, attentiveness, and multiple senses at once,” sexologist Carolina Pataky, PhD, LMFT, previously told Men’s Health. Besides taste (obviously), oral sex also involves touch, smell, and even sound—from a sultry playlist to your partner's moans.
Plus, this up-close and personal type of sex naturally increases intimacy. “Focusing on a partner this intently can create a strong feedback loop that heightens connection on multiple levels,” she says. And strengthening your emotional connection can only benefit the overall health of your relationship. In this case, eating out is not only enjoyable, but good for you too.
The only problem? Many people don’t know what the heck they’re doing down there—and don’t feel confident or comfortable enough to ask for instruction. Luckily, we did the hard work for you. Men’s Health sourced the best oral sex tips, positions, and techniques from experts. Here’s how to level up your lick game:
1. Take an anatomy lesson.
Even if you went to a school that taught sex education, odds are you spent more time rolling a condom onto a banana, getting your fear mongered, and looking at pictures of blue waffles, than you did actually learning about sex, sexual anatomy, or pleasure.
“Most of us have never been given a tour of the vulva or vagina, nor had the appearance and location of these beautiful parts explained to us,” says Jessica O’Reilly, PhD, sexologist and co-author of The Ultimate Guide to Seduction and Foreplay. However, knowing these parts isn’t just helpful for giving good head, it’s also essential for being a sexual citizen of the world! That’s why she recommends spending some time learning all about the parts your partner or potential partner(s) have.
To start, you need to know that the vulva and vagina are two different things. “The vulva is the external portion of the genitals, and includes the outer lips, inner lips, clitoral glans/head, clitoral hood, vestibule, urethral opening, vaginal opening and mons/pubic mound,” says O’Reilly. Meanwhile, the vagina is the internal portion of the anatomy that connects the vulva with the cervix.
FYI: There’s an internal part to the clitoris too—in fact, the majority of the pleasure center is underneath the skin, says Erica Smith, a Philadelphia-based sex educator. It’s shaped like a wishbone, and its ‘legs’ run along the sides of the vulva. You might notice that your partner’s vulva swells during sex—that’s because the clitoris is full of erectile tissue that swells in response to arousal.
So, most of the time, when we’re talking about “finding the clitoris,” we’re actually referring to the clitoral glans, a tiny, sensitive nub at the top of the vulva where the inner labia meet. If you can’t find your partner’s glans with your eyes, you might be able to find it with your tongue.
Don’t hesitate to gently spread the labia apart. “You can use two hands to open the inner lips, or to pull up on the skin at the top of your lips to reveal the clitoral or clitoral head,” says O'Reilly. The clit may protrude from underneath the hood on its own or you may need to gently retract the skin with your hands, she says.
And if you’re still feeling lost, don't be afraid to ask your partner to guide you.
2. Forget what commercials have led you to believe.
Our culture bombards us with toxic messages that vaginas are inherently smelly and gross. Need proof? Just walk down the “feminine hygiene” aisle at your local pharmacy and feast your eyes on all the douching products, wipes, and cleanses with ridiculous scent names like “spring garden.”
Truth is, “vaginas are supposed to smell like vaginas; they aren’t supposed to smell like flowers,” says Rachel Wright, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in relationships and sex in New York. Common descriptors of the scent include: salty, musty, tangy, and coppery.
The sooner you and your partner can leave falsehoods about scent (and look and taste) behind, the sooner you can both start really enjoying the act of giving and receiving head, respectively.
3. Make sure your partner wants cunnilingus.
“As with all types of sexual experiences, you’ll want to check in with your partner to see if cunnilingus is something they actually like and want, or perhaps hasn’t tried at all before but is willing to give it a shot,” says Holly Richmond, PhD, a sex therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in West Palm Beach, Florida. So, rather than beelining it for their box, ask permission. “How you ask can be sexy and fun, and is just a way to center enthusiastic consent,” she adds.
Some options include:
- I would love to taste you—is that something you'd be into?
- Can I go down on you?
- Can I take these off and use my tongue?
- I’ve been fantasizing about going down on you all day. May I?
4. Consider your STI risk.
You may not be able to get someone pregnant with a little tongue action, but oral sex isn’t totally risk free. It’s still possible for an STI to be transmitted from mouth to vulva, or from vulva to mouth.
“Oral sex is sex,” herpes expert Christine Johnston, MD, an associate professor of infectious disease at the University of Washington previously told Men’s Health. Herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, and other STDs can all be transmitted during oral sex—whether you’re giving or receiving, she says.
As such, you should talk to your partner about their current STI status and recent testing protocol. If they do have an STI (such as HSV, for example), or do not know their current status, you can minimize risk by using a dental dam or cutting a condom into a dental dam. It requires some foresight, but another option is to order Lorals—latex underwear that functions as a wearable barrier.
5. Build arousal.
Instead of diving head-first into someone’s vulva like an Olympic swimmer, opt for a seductive warm up.
Start with neck kisses. Then move down to their belly, inner thighs, and all around the vulva. Run your tongue around their nipples and chest. If your partner is on the kinkier side and you know they’ll be into it, you might try some dirty talk, spanking, or role play—whatever gets them in the mood.
The anticipation can really help bring you both into your bodies and feel grounded in this experience you’re sharing together. No matter how casual your cunnilingus encounter may be, the sex you’re having together deserves reverence and respect.
6. Compliment, compliment, and compliment some more.
Everyone, but particularly people with vulvas, need to feel relaxed in order to experience pleasure, let alone have an orgasm. After all, it’s pretty tough to orgasm when you are feeling guilty, ashamed, stressed, or even mildly preoccupied!
One way to help your partner relax is with a little verbal TLC. In other words, compliment, compliment, and compliment some more. “Compliments go a long way when it comes to helping a vulva owner feel safe and comfortable receiving oral sex,” says Wright.
Some options include:
- I love the way you taste.
- You make the sexiest sounds when I’m going down on you.
- You’re so beautiful.
7. Get in position.
There are lots of sex positions for giving and receiving oral sex, but some are better than others.
Missionary oral sex is a good place to start, says Smith. “Have the receiver lie back on a bed or couch and scoot to the edge a bit—then the giver can be on their knees on the floor,” she says. Putting a pillow or a rolled up yoga mat under your knees might make this position a little more comfortable. You could also throw your partner’s legs over your shoulders for easier access to their clitoris.
If you don’t have access to a bed or chair, or you and your partner generally prefer standing sex, consider standing cunnilingus. Here, the vulva-owner will stand up and lean against a wall while their partner kneels in front of them.
And, of course, there’s “queening,” or face-sitting, but more on that ahead.
8. Try facesitting.
Yep, facesitting (a.k.a. queening) deserves its own subheading. Why? Because it’s a good time for all involved.
“It can be comfortable and really enjoyable for the receiver to sit on the face of the giver—especially if they can lean forward to support themself with the headboard,” Smith says. Meanwhile, the giver gets to lie back and enjoy the sight, smell, and look of their partner with minimal neck strain!
9. Give the ‘ole 69 a try.
It can be incredibly emotionally and mentally stimulating for a vulva-owner to know that you want to give them head for no other reason than that you take pleasure in their pleasure. So, you’d be wise to try your, uh, tongue at one of the other cunnilingus sex positions first.
But if your partner has an oral fixation, feels self conscious about having all the focus on them, or otherwise is in the mood for a little mutual lick-a-thon, try a 69 sex position variation.
Don’t hate it before you try it! “People find it highly intimate because of how close the two partners are to each other,” Lee Phillips, LCSW, CST, a New York-based sex and couples therapist previously told Men’s Health. “Another pro is that both partners receive pleasure simultaneously, which is highly erotic."
10. Add in a chair.
If the receiver is bigger-bodied or the giver has neck issues, consider investing in a sex position enhancement chair (like this one). Designed to be positioned over the oral sex giver's face, these chairs help support the receiver’s body weight while leaving their genitals fully accessible for all sorts of licks and flicks.
11. Try a sex pillow.
PSA: Neck strain is NOT an inevitable side effect of performing oral sex! Usually, if someone’s neck hurts after giving head, it means that they were in a suboptimal position, Richmond says.
A good work-around is a sex pillow (our fave is the Liberator Wedge), which is designed to put your partner's parts at a better angle. “If you prop the pillow under the receiver's hips, it will angle their hips and offer more exposure to their entire vulva,” says Richmond. “And if they like being penetrated with a finger or a sex toy during oral sex, this angle can also be incredibly helpful.” Win-win.
12. Keep your licks light to start.
Lighter is better when you start giving oral… at least to start.
This area is sensitive—the clitoris has around 8,000 nerve endings!—so opt for widespread, gentle pressure first. For example, you can use the flat of your tongue to lick slowly your partner’s whole vulva area. “Go in too hard and fast, and you may feel them flinch or yelp, so go easy!” says Lucy Rowett, CSC, a sexologist and intimacy coach in Vienna, Austria. “When you start lighter, you can build up the pressure as their arousal builds, but if in doubt, always go lighter first.”
You can even start off with indirect stimulation and lick around the clitoris in circles. Another option is to place your tongue fully against your partner’s vulva and observe the ways they rock and roll themselves against its length. This way, you’ll learn what they like. And on that note…
13. Ask your partner what they want.
Clitorises and vulvas all require different degrees of firmness when it comes to touching and licking, so pay attention to your partner’s verbal and physical cues. “Hopefully, [your partner] will respond by moaning, giving enthusiastic feedback, etc.—but some people are shy and feel shame about making noises,” Smith says. “If you're in doubt, ask!”
You may be well on your way to becoming a cunnilingus master, but you’re not a mind-reader. Plus, showing interest in what brings your partner pleasure is a huge turn-on (and, also, just generally important). So, ask your partner what they want you to do to them.
Some people enjoy the sensation of a rigid tongue swiping back over their clit really quickly, while others enjoy the sensation of a pointed tongue moving in-and-out, poking their clit with motion. Others still prefer a sucking sensation on their clit. If they’re not sure, experiment with touching them in different ways and encourage them to tell you what feels good, better, and best.
And if you’re not sure where to start, here are some examples of how to solicit oral sex feedback:
- Like this?
- Harder or softer?
- Do you like when I do [X] with my tongue?
- Would it be OK to put my fingers inside you?
- Do you want me to keep going?
As a bonus, this kind of Q&A doubles as dirty talk!
14. Use your tongue on more than just the clitoris.
The labia, vaginal opening, and entire vulva area is bursting with sensation! Your tongue can create feel-good pleasure anywhere from your partner's mons pubis to their inner thighs to inside their vagina, says O’Reilly.
Just remember that your tongue is not a thrusting dildo. Unlike the penis, which is lined from head to base with oh-so-sensitive nerves, most of the vaginal canal is not sensitive at all. Instead, the vagina has just a few clusters of nerves that can enjoy stimulation—generally dubbed the G-spot, A-spot, and C-spot. (Though, some people find the entrance of their vaginal to be sensitive, too). So, tongue-fucking the vaginal opening may not have the desired effect you think it will.
Still, if you think your partner might enjoy a thrusting tongue, your best bet is to ask first. “Do you prefer this [demonstrate external stimulation] or this [demonstrate the tongue-thruster]?” will work well.
On the other hand, some people find direct clitoral stimulation too stimulating. If your partner jerks their hips away from your mouth anytime it gets close to their clit, pushes your head away with their hands, or otherwise verbally or nonverbally signals that clitoral stimulation is too intense, using your mouth to stimulate the rest of the vulva is a good work-around.
15. …and that includes the butt.
“The butthole can be extraordinarily erogenous,” says Richmond. In fact, the opening of the anal canal is thought to have nearly as many nerve-endings as the clitoris.
As with cunnilingus, you’ll need to get permission before performing analingus. But assuming you get the go ahead, it can feel really good physically, as well as mentally. “It’s also a little taboo, which for some people, makes it even more sexy,” she says.
In terms of what to do with your tongue? You can lick, tease the crinkly folds, trace the circular entrance, lap up the length of the crack, or flick it side-to-side.
16. Tease the taint.
Situated between the bum and bits is an erogenous zone known as the perineum or taint. “It is an area of smooth skin between the vaginal opening and the anus, and it includes thousands of nerve endings,” Richmond says. “Lick this area and your partner will feel even more pleasure than they would if you focused solely on the upper part of the vulva.” Believe it or not, but some people can orgasm from taint teasing alone (this is called a perineum orgasm).
When exploring this area, Richmond suggests using a wide range of pressures and strokes to see which your partner enjoys most.
17. Use your fingers.
There is no Cunnilingus Rule Book that says your hands can’t get in on the action. Actually, if there was a rulebook, it would encourage their involvement. “Combining fingering with other types of stimulation creates layered, incredible sensations,” Wright previously told Men’s Health. “Some people enjoy internal and external stimulation simultaneously, while others prefer alternating between them.”
If your partner enjoys internal stimulation, penetrate their vagina with one or two fingers. Your partner might enjoy thrusting, a “come hither” motion, or consistent pressure against the front of their vaginal wall (where the G-spot is located).
You can also insert a finger in the backdoor—that is, if your partner’s game. Just make sure to use lube for any internal anal play.
If your partner doesn’t enjoy internal vaginal or anal play, another option is to use your palm to apply pressure to the rest of the vulva, which will indirectly stimulate the internal portions of the clitoris as well. You can also gently press just above their pubic mound to give them a little G-spot pressure from outside of the body.
18. Stay enthusiastic.
“In the same way that it's so much hotter when you can tell that your partner actually enjoys giving a blowjob, when you show that you enjoy [cunnilingus] and it is genuine, the technique doesn't matter as much,” says Rowett. Enthusiasm is an easy—and effective—way to make oral sex better, even if you’re a beginner.
After all, if someone is chilling between your legs, it’s nice to have them explicitly say they want to be there, adds Wright. “When you are enthusiastic about giving cunnilingus, you give permission to your partner to be enthusiastic about receiving it, too.”
Your move: Let them know that you are freakin’ jazzed to be in the company of their amazing vulva. Some one-liners you might try:
- I love tasting you.
- I could eat you out all day.
- This is my favorite meal.
19. Add some toys.
Mouths and fingers are amazing, but they don’t need to be the only tools in your kit! Incorporating vibrators and other sex toys can up the ante on the whole experience.
You might try, for example, running your tongue around the clitoris while you insert a dildo or G-spot vibrator into your partner’s vagina. Or, if your mouth gets tired, you can reach for a clitoral suction toy and let it work its magic while your jaw rests. (ICYDK, these toys use a combination of suction and air to circle the clitoris and simulate the sensation of oral sex. They are wildly popular—which is why it might be a good idea to mimic the sensation with your own mouth.)
Pro tip: Add some water-based lubricant to both the mouth of the toy and to your partner's vulva. The added wetness will ensure the toy feels more like your mouth than a machine.
You can also have your partner wear a butt plug for some added backdoor stimulation. If they’re not into anal penetration but they’re open to other types of booty play, use a vibrator to stimulate the anal opening and perineum while you use your tongue on the clitoris.
If you’ve never used a vibrator on your partner before, ask them to show you how they like to use it first. Or, ask them for feedback as you move from spot-to-spot.
21. Heat things up with temperature play.
To heat things up (literally), try incorporating a little temperature play into your tongue game. “Using temperatures can alter and heighten sensations,” O’Reilly says. The idea is that the temperature variations stimulate, shock, and sensate your neuroreceptors in a way that feels pleasurable.
Using warmth in and around the genitals has the added benefit of increasing blood flow to the surface of the skin, which increases sensation, Richmond adds.
One option is to keep a mug of hot water or hot tea by the bed, and take sips in order to make your mouth feel even warmer, she says. Alternatively, you could use a preheating sex toy like the Zalo Desire Preheating Thruster to stimulate your partner's G-spot while licking their clit.
Sex candles, massage oil, and wax play also work well here.
22. Dial down the temperature.
You can also take the temp down to make your performance even hotter. “You might put a glass of ice cold water [by the bed], then drink it to cool down your mouth,” says O’Reilly. You could even take one of the ice cubes into your mouth, then kiss and lick your partner. “Just be sure to start along the thighs before moving to the more sensitive skin (like that on the labia),” she says.
If you’re feeling particularly playful and your partner is enjoying the temperature alterations, O’Reilly suggests trying a technique called the wet trace. Here, you’ll use your tongue or even a finger with lube or massage oil to paint a wet line over skin (belly, chest, pubic mound, etc). Next, breathe gently over the wet trace you’ve created. “You can use an open mouth to create a rush of warm air, or purse your lips to create a cooler sensation,” she says. Better yet, alternate between the two to keep your partner’s nerves guessing.
23. Ditch dry mouth.
Newsflash: Wetter is better doesn’t just apply to penetrative sex. Most people know a squirt of store-bought lube can add some much-needed slip-and-slide to shagging, but they don’t realize there are ways to make oral sex besides spit!
One option is to use an oral-safe lubricant, such as a flavored lube. “When you use a flavored lube, your body and mouth responds to the flavor, as if it's the actual flavor, so this can also increase your saliva production, simply by giving into our brain's Pavlovian response,” says Marla Renee Stewart, a sexologist and co-author of The Ultimate Guide To Seduction and Foreplay.
Another option is to use an aid that contains xylitol, which helps to increase saliva production, says Stewart. “There are many chewing gums that have the ingredient that you can chew ahead of time.” (This may seem obvious, but do not try to perform oral sex with gum in your mouth because you could choke.)
There are also oral sex mints and oral sex sprays that contain the ingredient, which you can use.
24. Stay down there as long as it takes.
One of the main things that stops vulva-owners from having orgasms during oral sex is the fear that they’re “taking too long” or being “selfish.” This means they’re going to need a lot of encouragement from you. “Let [them] know that you'll be there for as long as it takes, that this is just about [their] pleasure, and there is no pressure to come,” Rowett says.
25. Spend some time doing aftercare.
After the sexual experience ends, engage in a little aftercare. Essentially, it’s “the practice of checking in on how your partner is feeling physically, mentally, and emotionally after sex,” says Wright, and while the term is most commonly used in kink and BDSM settings, the concept can be applied after cunnilingus (of any kind).
Aftercare might involve cuddling, getting your partner water if they are thirsty, words of affirmation, kisses, or even other kinds of sex, she explains. “Ultimately, it comes down to what your partner needs, so your best bet is just to ask.”
You might say:
- Mmm, that was so hot. Do you need anything right now?
- I love how hot and sweaty we both get. Can I grab you some ice water?
- Is there anything you want as we both wind down from that?
You could even extend aftercare to the days that follow, by talking about oral sex itself. “If you particularly enjoyed giving it, you might share that with your partner,” says Wright. “Meanwhile, if you want to know if any techniques felt particularly good, you could ask.” This kind of dialogue will give you insight on how to make the next time even more pleasurable.
Meet the Experts
- Jessica O’Reilly, PhD, is a sexologist and the co-author of The Ultimate Guide to Seduction and Foreplay.
- Erica Smith is a sex educator in Philadelphia.
- Rachel Wright, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in relationships and sex in New York.
- Holly Richmond, PhD, is a sex therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in West Palm Beach, Florida.
- Lucy Rowett, CSC, is a sexologist and intimacy coach in Vienna, Austria.
- Marla Renee Stewart is a sexologist and co-author of The Ultimate Guide To Seduction and Foreplay.
Gabrielle Kassel (she/her) is a sex and fitness journalist committed to helping people feel the best they can in their bodies. In addition to Men’s Health, her work has appeared in publications such as Shape, Cosmopolitan, Well+Good, Health, Self, Women’s Health, Greatist, and more! In her free time, Gabrielle can be found coaching CrossFit, reviewing pleasure products, hiking with her border collie, or recording episodes of the podcast she co-hosts called Bad In Bed. Follow her on Instagram @Gabriellekassel.
